Wednesday, December 21, 2011

"In a World Where I Feel So Small, I Can't Stop Thinking Big"

I feel small.

I feel insignifigant.

I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel betrayed. I feel redundant. I feel like an asshole. I feel selfish. I feel passed-over. I feel like a failure. I feel it slipping out of my control. I feel every mistake I've ever made. I feel the ground giving way under my feet. I feel strong. I feel weak. I feel brave. I feel frightened.

Sometimes, I am certain I feel too much. Sometimes I feel like there's so many conflicting things in my heart and in my head that I may go crazy. I'm sure lots of people feel that. We are all creatures of feeling.

But, sometimes, I wish I could stop. Sometimes I wish I could embrace my inner Vulcan, put aside all of these stupid emotions, these useless fears, and just push through with logic and rational thought.

But it's never that easy, is it? Fulfillment is never just about us, what we can make happen, but also about what trust others put into us. What trust others are willing to place on us, what faith they have in our abilities. Sometimes, I hear the voice in my head that sees all too clearly that precious few people are really willing to bank on me. That, often correctly, reminds me that trust is a foolish endeavor. That being selfish is the only way to ever possibly move yourself forward.

That, my friends, makes me sad. It makes me sad, searching for an environment where one will be challenged, supported and nurtured, then, time and again, feeling themselves left behind, and left out. Life confirms, over and over again, that to trust is foolish, teamwork is a dead end.

I find myself, in times like these, turning to music more and more often.

by Rush

In a world lit only by fire
Long train of flares under piercing stars
I stand watching the steamliners roll by
The caravan thunders onward
To the distant dream of the city
The caravan carries me onward
On my way at last
On my way at last

I can’t stop thinking big
I can’t stop thinking big

On a road lit only by fire
Going where I want, instead of where I should
I peer out at the passing shadows
Carried through the night into the city
Where a young man has a chance of making good
A chance to break from the past
The caravan thunders onward
Stars winking through the canvas hood
On my way at last

In a world where I feel so small
I can’t stop thinking big

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