Wednesday, July 29, 2015

The Pendulum of My Mood

I've been feeling manic/depressive.

At a time when a LOT of good things are happening for me, I can't quite stop worrying. I worry about my current gig, I worry about the gig that starts Sunday, I worry about another, pending gig, that is a big deal, and may, or may not happen. A lot of it is out of my hands, which is the worst part. I cannot abide feeling at the mercy of fate.

I do hit highs, I took yesterday off, to try to recharge a bit, and it a point. I'm happy to say drums and bass are laid down for the first track of Hayoth, Volume 3, tentatively titled Hello Blisters. I also managed to play Arkham Knight to 92% finished...I love that game, BTW.

But I didn't leave the house for a full 24 hours, and I did work out, but it was lackadaisical and perfunctory. I just feel kinda gross, fat and spent.

Of course, then I do the show, or start looking at my stuff for the next show, and I get excited. Or I pick up the guitar, and it's invigorating.

But everything else feels like such a slog, right now. so much feels like it's just happening to me, rather than feeling some control over my life. I am in the rapids, and I'm hanging on, long can it last? I want some solid footing.

I need to do better for myself, I need to make myself better. I need to find the confidence and the best parts of me, to be the best person I can. Which I don't always succeed at.

I wish I could just Crtl+Alt+Del and reboot.

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