So, I had a meltdown yesterday. I'm kinda still having it. It happens, I guess, a side-effect of the way I tend to embrace that which I commit to in an unhealthy and extreme way.
Doesn't mean it wasn't true.
I do think about retirement/quitting every, single day, especially recently. I'm not happy with how it's all going right now, even in the slightest. I've said it before, I WANT to act. I love acting, but sometimes, like right now, I'm pretty sure I love it so much that it's not good for me. It's become a burden.
So, yeah. Thinking....thinking...thinking...A decision must be made.
I told myself I was going to be more selfish. Although, I suppose many of you out there would say, "MORE selfish? Who's he think he's kidding?" I suppose that's true enough, in some sense, but I used to be one to drop everything to go do something that needed done, or because a friend asked.
I really am feeling those days are over. Now, I'm not going to turn into an asshole, at least I hope not, but I want to get more focused on myself, and my closest friends and family. These are the people who've believed in me and stood by me when I needed them. They've taken leaps of faith because they believed in me, and I will always return that loyalty and trust.
"Quid Pro Quo," as Dr. Lecter might say.
But guilt tripping myself into doing things I'm not excited or invested in because I feel like I "ought to?" Done. I've had enough. I see other people doing it all the time, nakedly so, and it's just expected. I've always tried to be the guy who'll go the extra mile, because somebody has to...
It's not worth it. The only thing that it's done for me is get me over-invested, then angry and depressed when things don't go my way. I'm dead sick of feeling that way.
I think my path of happiness is to give my best efforts to that which is important to me, and just be straight up about my indifference about the rest of it. Maybe that'll make some people call me an asshole, but, for me, it's called "holding on to my sanity."
...And that's the way it's got to be.
Managed to get a pretty good lead guitar track and mix for the latest song, "We've Got Forever for This to Be Over," done last night.
the song. The song has some nice dynamics, I think. There's a few choppy bits, but I think I can smooth them out after I get the melody/lyrics worked out. Yeah, I'm still just stockpiling backing tracks, in the hopes that I can meld lyrics/melody into them after the fact, instead of just trying to force lyrics onto something. A problem with my second CD, as anyone who'd heard it can attest.
The goal, at this point, is to have a CD ready, say 10-12 songs, by my 40th birthday. That gives me almost a year. Even if I get sick of some of these tunes I already have, and trash 'em, there's time to have something put together. I think I may even put out feelers to a bassist and drummer I'm acquainted with, and see if they want to sit in for sessions.
That's a BIG "if." Likely, it'll be me and the drum machine, again.