Creeping In Around the Edges

I was intending to be in a good mood yesterday. That was my plan. I had a rehearsal last night, and I'd scored tickets to see an early screening of The Muppets tonight. What did I have to be grumpy about?

Well, I spent most of the day fighting off a lingering feeling that I was a loser. It's a sensation that I'm quite used to, honestly. That I'm a fool, that these people who claim to like me and enjoy my company, well, I've just somehow fooled them. Ditto the people who actually think I'm talented. It was a gray day. That's probably the best way to put it.

Now I know that my life is nothing to be upset about. I'm healthy and comfortable. Plus, without getting into detail, I also got hit with a pretty solid reminder that things could be much worse yesterday. Life plays no favorites, and we all ought to cherish and value what we have. It makes me feel like a selfish ass to feel like this, in the face of that.

That said, I also have a right to be sad. To let those things around me that nag and pull down on me, well, to let them have their way. I know a hell of a lot of people out there think I'm a downer, even if I prefer to call myself a realist, but, y'know, damn it, I can be light hearted, at times, too.

I don't even really know what it is. The extension of Bus Stop at Raven Theatre being cancelled because Paula Wagner may be bringing it back to Broadway? Probably part of it. I like this cast, and, frankly, the money would've been a nice supplement to my saving for the 2012 SDCC.

I also, and look, I'm not trying to denigrate anybody, but I'm spending time trying to make myself excited about the projects I have on the horizon. I'm still stinging a little from a role I was after, in a interesting production with a company I want to get involved with, going to an Equity actor. Hey, that's the way it goes, the decision makes sense, and I understand why things went the way they did.

But it stings. Especially since I'm finding out a lot of people I really love to work with are going to be part of it. It also leaves me in a position of doing a show which, without a doubt, will be excellent, but in which I have VERY little to do....

Y'know, this is silly.

We all know what my problem is. I think too fucking much. I'm always trying to plan three steps ahead, and it leads me down this path of, not just hoping, but expecting certain things to happen. Of expecting certain events to play out the way I want, and trying to prepare for THAT, rather than preparing myself for when they don't. It's really clear I ought to, y'know, think about preparing myself for disappointment.

Frankly, this probably has more than a little to do with the change to fall/winter weather. We had a long stretch of warmth in October, and now our time has run out, and we're heading into winter, for real.

I'm certain to snap out of it. I know I am. Thank God I'm gonna let The Muppets have their way with me tonight....