Thursday, May 17, 2012

The Crash

I am at one of my "low points."

I don't really mean depression, or pain, or anything like that. I mean apathy. I mean inertia. I'm at a point where I struggle to get excited.  I struggle to generate enthusiasm. I don't know if it's exhaustion, or, yeah, maybe depression, or what.

Which, as you would probably guess, sucks. It sucks for me, and it sucks for the people I'm working with. Although, I do try to hide it, put on the brave face, soldier on, whatnot. That just makes me feel worse, because, damn it, I hate to let people down. At the end of the day, I just want something exciting to happen, and I feel like it might be a pipe dream.

It's not across the board. I'm really excited about the jam session on Saturday. That said, it's something different. I don't get to go in a room and play guitar with a rythum section often, hardly ever, honestly. It's been years.

It's the day-to-day stuff. Work. Eat. Stage Left stuff. Sleep. Rinse. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

Doesn't help when the little shit, installing a new DSL modem and setting the wi-fi back up, for example, becomes WAY more complicated and intensive than it ought to. Haven't we evolved to a point where this sort of thing should be (relatively) plug-and-play? Or at least provide reasonably functional and clear directions?

Don't even get me started on the bigger stuff. It trickles down, and I just...feel...shot. I feel like there's nothing in the tank. At all. So much so, that, deep down, where I don't want to look very closely, I just don't really care so much anymore. That, my friends, scares the shit out of me.

Maybe I pushed too hard for to long. The '11-'12 season has been very busy for me. Three full shows, almost back-to-back, a directing gig in there, too, and a workshop process. I have to tell you, I'm a bit worried about having taken that understudy gig over the summer, at this point.

Then I read that..and just think, "what a whiner. What a brat." This is what you wanted, you idiot.

I need something really exciting to show up on the horizon. Something that speaks to me, personally. Something to be passionate about.


  1. I hear ya, brother. Feeling very similarly. I have to remind myself that it's okay to feel that way, and to let my imagination run with the possibilities that are interesting to me. I found that I kept putting up walls because of responsibility. Then Bobcat wrote this:

  2. A constant state of melancholy? Yep I hear ya. I can't even excited about writing.

  3. Can't help but imagine (hope? that's me) that SDCC will help light your inner fire.

  4. Yep...SDCC is a big battery recharge.

    Of course, it's also exhausting, know.

  5. I think that maybe sometimes you just have to take a break from life and go somewhere else, somewhere remote or drive away with no destination and just leave your thoughts and your expectations home..prepare for nothing and maybe you'll find what you're looking for. If you can afford a day like that from time to time it might chase away some of the apathy. Well it sounds good on paper anyways. I feel the same most of the time, but at one point I asked myself..just what exactly am I waiting to happen? I try to get excited about little things and keep myself busy so that I know what I want to do and make it happen and when that happens I get excited..because I'm not used to finishing things..i'm such a slacker.