Monday, October 17, 2011

Up days, Down Days...

I work very hard to try to stay on an even keel. To not allow myself to get too excited, or too saddened. It's probably why I have little patience for politics, because, frankly, it's all worked out before, it'll work out again, and the cycle will go around and around. Push one way, and, eventually, things will push back the other, and vice versa. These cycles tend to be obvious if you don't act like the world's coming to an end.

However, sometimes I just can't keep it up. Sometimes I feel the weight on my shoulders, and sometimes I find myself just...sad. Usually, this revolves around some aspect of my creative life. Some sense of failure, or of not reaching my potential.

I think I'm clearly in a "down period." Which is really silly. I know this. I can see it, but sometimes you can't see the forest for the trees, y'know?

Bus Stop is open. It's a good show. A little old-fashioned, but a diverting evening of theatre. I'm told I do a good job in it, as I rarely consider myself a good critic of my own work. I feel good about the show, and my performance, and there's several people in the cast who are fantastic. That's good, obviously. Really good. I need to remember how to live in that moment.

I tend to hate myself when I get too wrapped up in something. It's usually a show. I'll hear about something coming up, and think, "I want to be involved with THAT!" I'll get focused and excited about it.

...and I always, always choke. It breaks my heart, every time. There's a list of reasons I have to do a show, the people involved, possibility of professional advancement, a love of the role and the script, sheer loyalty, etc. etc. It's always when a project fulfills all of those criteria that I, flat out, choke.

And it kills me. It rips my guts out.

OK, it doesn't happen EVERY time. The glorious One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest experience comes to mind, and I worked my ass off for that one.  Audition from 10 AM to around 6 PM, I was exhausted, but exhilarated. And the director, the lovely Chris Maher, to his eternal credit, took a moment to just let me know, no matter the outcome, he appreciated that effort. I'll always treasure that courtesy, getting the part was almost just gravy.

It's actually worse, the shorter your window, the less the actual time you're auditioning is, especially if you really want it. God, going in, reading once, feeling a little flat, and realizing...that was it. "Knowing" that if you had another chance at it, or a different reader, or any of a hundred other excuses (and that's what they are), you'd have done better. You could've made the impression you wanted to make. You could've DONE BETTER.

I'm usually really good at letting things go. Audition? Do my piece, thank everyone, and leave. Quick. No muss no fuss. Had an excellent example of this on Saturday afternoon. However, the more exciting the project, and I guess this is only human, the harder to do that.

So? Long story short? I think I fucked up my audition for something I really wanted.

At least I can look at it as my own screw-up, instead of feeling that I got screwed by someone else, because, let's be honest, that's rarely the case. Own your failures, as well as your successes. You'll be better off, all around.

It's not just the acting, either. I've really come to a point of self-loathing over working on my music. I know I'm in a bad place when I start looking at new guitars. As if that would make me magically start being more productive on that front again.

Well, OK, it might, a little....but that is another long, involved discussion.

One of the things that's kinda compounded this feeling is, actually, working on Bus Stop. I've been playing guitar almost every day for almost two months. I've actually come up with some riffs and stuff that I really like, and want to play around with. Yet, when it comes to locking myself in the room, and banging out these ideas with the home studio...I get tired. I get frustrated with the equipment (hence, looking at new guitars), and my own ability.

Frustration...That's a better word than failure. I'm sad, because I'm frustrated.

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