Driving a Nail Into the Wall With My Forehead

Professional rejection is becoming second-nature around here.

Let me put it this way; in the last 2 years, I've done 4 shows. I've probably been to thirty to forty auditions in the last twenty-four months, and I've landed only two roles via those auditions. The other two I was invited to be part of without real audition.

That's a shitty return on investment.

I'm not getting work, and there's less work to go around. Audition notices have been scant recently, it's extremely common to find absolutely nothing to submit for. Companies have folded. Companies where I felt I had a relationship have just stopped calling. Ensembles have "circled the wagons," in the face of financial strain....helping themselves before they help others. Which makes sense.

I feel very much left out in the cold.

The question starts to turn to if I want to keep putting myself through this or not. I'm not a person who thinks they should get what they want all the time, but I'm also very cognizant of the fact that I apparently lack the skill, or the proper look, or whatever, to land the roles I am most excited about. I guess I feel trapped by this profession, the place I've been set inside it, and it's not even my profession.

I mean, I rarely get paid to act, and when I do it's usually a token, but VERY appreciated, gesture, so, my reward is the artistic growth. The challenge is what most important to me. If I was making a living wadge, I'd probably feel differently, but I'm not.

I want to be challenged, but, if I can't win the role, I've already failed the challenge. I've been failing a lot.

I've always said my goal was to live a creative life. I've never wanted to get myself into a place where I wasn't creating...something. Thing is, I've come to realize that I also want to matter. I want the things I create to be of some consequence, and, I guess, brass tacks, that means I want to be noticed.

The last two years I have felt unnoticed. The fact that I've fallen off many people's radar just points to the fact that it's true. I feel like I've flung myself at the wall, and nothing stuck.

It is about ego, no doubt, I have never, ever, claimed to be ego-free, but it's also about feeling you've grown in your craft. I should be a better actor than I was 4 years ago, but I feel like I'm worse. I feel like I'm losing the connection to the place inside that allowed me to perform effectively.

I don't feel free anymore. I judge every role, instead of running into it with wild abandon. Mainly, that's because I'm sick of being who I am, I'm sick of the typecasting. I'm sick of being placed in that narrow box, and when I go up for a role who's defining element is "big guy," I almost immediately feel myself start to withdraw. I've already failed, because, "here I am, doing this same old shit." The roles, to be brutally honest, are rarely good enough to transcend that feeling.

I was reading a script for my company yesterday, and the entire time, I could hear the voices of the Ensemble talking about how I would be perfect for a particular role in this script. It hadn't happened, but it will. I know how I'm thought of within the group. I know what utility I serve. It was the same old thing, soldier, unbalanced, violent...a "big guy."

Totally skewed everything. I found myself just ticking off the character traits I can now play in my sleep, as they applied to this role. Ticking 'em off, one by one. I'm now very afraid that someone will bring it up when we discuss this play, and I'll rip their head off.

It comes down to this...apparently I don't matter anymore unless I'm comfortably within that little box that's been made for me. Even inside that box, I can't seem to make a difference.

So, here I am. Trapped within a typecasting that's increasingly uncomfortable for me, and without the skill to break out of it, or, apparently, even exploit it. I've been entertaining dreams and fantasies of having a headshot bonfire, and wiping the slate clean of all this.

Huh...this "bemoaning the state of my career" thing is becoming a weekly feature around here. Feel free to post "stop your bullshit whining" comments.

So, Yesterday Happened....

A very, very atrocious audition yesterday.

Fairly major company here, a well-known, beloved show that would've been a blast to do. High-energy comedic patter stuff from the 30's. Something that, I'd hazard to guess, I could've done pretty well with in a production situation. At least I could've at one point.

Of course, you have to get the job first, right?

I made a horrendous mistake right off the bat. I asked about the performance style they were looking for. I suppose that would be ok, except I had been going over the piece they'd given me with a very specific style in mind. A very stylized, 40's screwball comedy thing. Quick, rat-a-tat-tat stuff.

The response was something along the lines of, "well, no...not really."

My brain exploded. Everything stopped working. My mouth could not push the words out, my brain could not process the dialogue, and I'm fairly certain I looked like a complete knob with a Daffy Duck-like speech impediment.

Lesson to be learned? Just do what you've worked on. I hardly ever ask questions in auditions, I prefer to do what I do and let them offer direction after the fact, if they wish to. At least then, you've lived or died on what you felt was the correct attack on the material. I've found that directors and casting folks respect that, even if they think you're 100% wrong. Oh, come on, you remember "make strong choices" from acting class, right?

All I succeeded in doing was making myself look like an ass in front of some fairly important people. There are worse things, of course. I'm not gonna die from it. Yet, I'm feeling like this is happening uncomfortably often these days.

I dunno. We all know the phrase "use it or lose it," and it's probably one of the truisms I respect the most. The fact is, I haven't been "using" it. My acting calendar has been painfully empty the past two years. Prior to that, I was doing 3-4 shows a year, like clockwork, and when I took time off, it was because I wanted to. During 2009 and 2010 I have done 2 shows each year, and I'm afraid this is becoming a self-fulfilling prophecy. I'm not getting calls from the companies that used to invite me to audition all the time. My own company is not a place where I'll be able to do anything this year...

My good Friend Chris H. told me recently "Stop trying so hard." It's good advice, but it's also advice that I really don't know if I can heed. I try to calm myself, and just "be," but, sooner or later, that little voice sneaks in and starts whispering something like, "if you blow this, you're looking at another 9 months of being forced to watch other people do the things you wish you were doing."

And with every month that goes by, when I am not working, I feel less connected to myself as an actor. I do, truly, think I am "losing it." I was pretty happy with my work in Sound of a Yellow Flower, but there were moments, in almost every performance, when I knew that I could've done more, the hyper-confident me of 4 years ago could've done it better. Like there were parts of myself that had become locked off, that had just decided to check out, and go find someone else to play with.

I'm sure there's plenty of you out there who are rolling your eyes and thinking, "Christ, Mark's on the self-pity bus again." Maybe that's true, I can't deny it. Still, there comes a point when the pursuit of something you want becomes so difficult, painful and depressing the you honestly begin to question if the joy of actually getting that thing will offset the sacrifice. At that point, you really have to start looking at the idea of "retirement." Yes, quitting.

I am a creature of ownership and commitment. When I say I will do something, I do it. When I ally myself with a team or organization, I am all in. Thing is, there, again, what if what you're getting out of it isn't offsetting the effort you're putting into it? Well, first, you stop caring. Then you start resenting. I don't want to resent people, places in my life, or the time that I give to the theatre. I have put in time, lots of time, auditions, working behind the scenes, etc., and I actually have to stop and think about if my time on stage was worth all that, these days.

Plus, there's the very, very real fact that I will never make a living at this.

Oh, you can pull the "believe in yourself" card, but that is garbage. You can believe in yourself all you want, but in a business like this, you'll get nowhere until someone else believes in you. Someone in a position to help you, someone who isn't obligated to do so. My mother, my family, my wife believes in me, and that is something I cherish, but that didn't help me yesterday when I was metaphorically shitting my pants in that audition room.

I carry a lot of anger. A lot of it. It's lived in my gut for years, and I spent a lot of time learning to tamp it down in healthy, productive ways. Thing is, that job becomes more and more difficult when I find myself in positions where I feel helpless. (This is part of why I cannot stand roller coasters..the idea of being out of control.) Acting, as a vocation, and even more so as a profession, requires you to willingly let things be out of your control.

I can't control the auditions that are available. I can't control how a director or casting director will react to my audition. I can't control how I look (in a macro sense), or how said casting people will react to that look. I can't control if I get the part, or not.

What I can control is how I attack the audition. How I apply myself to it. Thing is, when you start to feel like you don't have those skills anymore, you control nothing.

And that scares me.

The question becomes, does it scare me enough to walk away? I do love being on stage, I can't deny that. I do, despite the feeling that I was much better at this in the past than I am now. I'm also terrified that I'll get to a point where I'm not any good at all, and people will be too nice to tell me to just stop. Yeah, paranoia, I know it well. I don't want to be that guy.

I'm no Paul Newman, not claiming to be at anywhere near his level, but I think about the quote from his retirement announcement:

"I'm not able to work anymore as an actor at the level I would want to. You start to lose your memory, your confidence, your invention. So that's pretty much a closed book for me."

 I've blogged about the feeling that my memory is not what it used to be. Hell, this entire blog, when you come down to it, is about my fading confidence. I don't know that I was ever particularly inventive.

I have callbacks and auditions this weekend. Things I would, yes, dearly love to do. I will give them everything I can. I do yearn, if I am going to leave this business, to go out on a high note. Hopefully, they'll go better than yesterday. I write all this with the full knowledge that I do WANT to act. If I didn't, I wouldn't hear that insistent voice in my head during auditions, but I don't know that I want it enough to make a fool of myself, over and over again.

Ahhh, Friday

Extremely short handed at work today. Which, I guess, is just the perfect way to wrap up a week that's been fairly stressful and depressing. I don't want to get into all that, because, well, what's the point? I can vent all day, and the problem(s) will persist. It's a "theatre thing," of course, so no worries about the personal life and all that.

I did manage to find a new suit this week, which is great. We've got some weddings to attend over the next few weeks, and folks seem to frown upon my "jeans and sports coat" look. Last wedding we went to, I trotted out the last suits I got (over a decade ago...yeah, I don't dress up often), and found that I could manage to get the pants on, but it felt like I was getting pinched in half. The evening ended up being fine, I guess, but I was not comfortable.

I went to Macy's, and found a jacket and pants that fit very well. The sleeves felt a bit short, which is a recurring problem for me an my "gorilla arms." I started talking to the salesman about having some alterations done, and he assured me, strongly, that the cut of the jacket was perfect for me. I mean, what the hell do I know about suits, or fashion, at all? He says this is the "cool" look.

Apparently, It's OK to look like Frankenstein when you reach out while wearing a suit.

Ok, it's not really THAT extreme. But , hey, you learn something new everyday.

Anyway, in all other respects, a lovely suit. Better fitting than pretty much any I've ever owned. I also like the material and the lining. Top it off, it was ON SALE!!!

So there you go.

We're into the final, no more chances, weekend of The Sound of a Yellow Flower.

 As I write this there are only three more performances. Tonight, tomorrow night, and Sunday afternoon. Last chance, so...don't say I didn't warn you.

The weekend will be fairly busy, the show, of course, and auditions on Saturday and Sunday. Both interesting shows, but one more than the other. It's weird to be auditioning for stuff so far in advance, but, I gues that's how things are going....

Along those lines...

I think I've finally come to a place where a new way of looking at how I give myself over to work needs to happen. For a very long time, I have tried to steer myself away from attitudes and actions I felt were "selfish." I had this belief that good will and loyalty were destined for reward. That you could stand up for yourself and still be deferential to those around you. Well, in recent weeks/months, I've found that I need to adjust that attitude.

I think I need to be more selfish, more protective of myself. Not just in actions (because, I figure at least a few people already think I am), but also in spirit. I'm well and truly sick of feeling guilty when I take actions for my own good, or to protect myself. Not only do I need to act for my own good, because no one else is going to do it for me, but I also have to not feel bad about it. I've spent too damn much time agonizing over how people would think of me.

Really, it only matters what I think of me. I don't want to intentionally piss anyone off, but, damn it, if you're my friend you ought to understand when I take an action that is for myself, it's for a reason. If you're upset that I would do that, then I guess maybe you need to re-assess our relationship.

To be clear, I'm not looking to be an asshole. I'm just looking to not be steamrolled, to not end up in situations where I feel crappy and depressed. Your friendship is always welcome, but I'm not putting my own feelings on the back-burner anymore.

...Yeah, I know. That'll last a week.

A Bit of Led Zeppelin, and Oy! Audition Notices...

I get so depressed.

I know I am not crazy, that there used to be far more opportunities out there. Anymore, when I look at the listings, I just feel slightly depressed. There's rarely anything that really excites me.

There seems to be more musicals, however. Yeah, they're in the suburbs a lot of the time, but I don't recall that many musical auditions even 3 years ago.

*shrug*

Who knows?

I do get the distinct impression that many of the companies I admire out there have circled the wagons, and aren't publicly auditioning. I might be wrong about that, but I sure haven't seen a lot of action from a couple of places I make a point to keep an eye out for.

*shrug*

Who knows?

Downloaded How The West Was Won, a Led Zeppelin live album from a couple of years back.



I distinctly remember seeing it at the Virgin Megastore on Michigan Avenue, and giving it a quick run-thru on a listening station.

That store's gone now. So's Rock Records over on Washington. I guess there's a Coconuts over on Randolph, but otherwise any sort of record store, with any depth of stock is not to be found in downtown Chicago. There's Borders, of course, but I don't think anyone would say they have a "deep" catalog of stock on-hand.

...But I digress.

I also got The Song Remains the Same from Netflix, and finished watching that last night.



I am a Zeppelin fan, but not at all what I would call a "rabid" one. I do tell myself, over and over, that I really ought to own the whole catalog, because the songwriting and musicianship is just that good. Plus, those albums really do represent the blueprint for 70's hard rock, which, of course, I am a huge fan of. They were a great band, and, even now, I'd drop a large amount of cash to see them play live.

However, I'd never experienced anything showcasing Zeppelin as a live act before this. I've read many things about their live performance, from it being incredibly powerful, also incredibly indulgent, to being incredibly sloppy.

After taking this material in, I think it's all true.

Zeppelin was a hotbed of great songcraft. No one, NO ONE can deny that. However, I quickly became annoyed with the random guitar soloing. "Immigrant Song, " on record, doesn't have a guitar solo, and is better for it. When Page goes off on a noodling jag, it kinda cuts the balls off the song. He also seems to do this on every, single number.

Maybe I'm spoiled by bands like Rush that keep their shows tight and focused on the songs. Or Springsteen, who has storytelling moments that are set into specific songs for specific reasons. Perhaps the most annoying thing about these two live documents is that they showed little real forethought, or sense that the setlist was anything more than a random ordering.

Now, granted, neither one of these things is an actual document of a single live show. They're edited and constructed from the raw material. A single show at Madison Square Garden for The Song Remains The Same, and a myriad group of recorded shows for How the West was Won. Still, you think the band, and especially Jimmy Page, might've taken the opportunity to really think about the song order and such....

Doesn't really feel that way. Maybe I'm wrong, but it really doesn't.

Perhaps Zeppelin was a lot like Guns 'N Roses in it's heyday. I saw them twice in the 90's. One show (Mile High Stadium, Denver on the co-headlining tour with Metallica) was just God-awful, while the other (Civic Arena in Omaha) was fantastic. Utterly fantastic. G'NR was (is) famous for not having a setlist. The band has to be ready to play whatever song Axl Rose call for at any given moment.

I think that makes the arc of the show utterly random, and sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't.

Maybe Zeppelin, with their blues background, worked in much the same way. Going by "feel" over planning. I admit this can give you higher highs, but also lower lows.

And, yeah....Page came off a little sloppy on the guitar. Again, I think it's a "feel over precision" thing. It's not like it came off that he couldn't play.

It's also worth pointing out that live shows are supposed to be just that, live. I'm almost 100% sure if I'd seen these songs played live exactly as they are on these releases, I'd be over-the-moon happy with the show. No recording can capture the feeling of being there.

The weird-ass "dramatic" elements in The Song Remains the Same didn't really help, either....so odd. Rip the Nazi-guy's head off and it spurts rainbow colors...Ohhh Kaaay...

Yup. It's Tuesday.

Have a film audition tonight. Might prove to be interesting.

I have come to the decision that there are a number of things I have to get done in the relatively near future;

1. Learn my lines for Sound of a Yellow Flower.
2. Read the pile of comic books I haven't yet gotten to from the last two weeks.
3. Work on some music. I've been putting it off way too long. That drum track is just...sitting there.
4. Work on the play script I've had "in process" for the last 6 months.
5. Work on the plot for the comic project that I was contacted about.
6. Start on the script for Steel City Serenade #2.

Sometimes I'm astounded by how much of a procrastinator I can be. I ENJOY doing all of these things, yet I'll find reasons not to. It's not like working out, which I seem to be able to do every morning. I guess I work better on schedules.

I am really, really excited to work on music again, honestly...So why do I get all "Man, do I have to set this all up?" when I want to work?

It's silly. I need to focus.

Putting that one to bed.

Sun, Stand Thou Still wrapped up on Saturday night. I think I can safely say that the final weekend was my strongest of the run. Which, is good on some levels, in that, as usual, all of my friends that came did so at the last possible moment, so at least they saw me at my best.

It really amuses me how the final weekend of a run always, and I mean ALWAYS, becomes a mad dash for everyone who's "meant" to come to the show, actually makes it. I always get the calls and e-mails...Can I get comps? Do you need reservations?

Now, why was it the strongest of the run? Pretty simply, I finally relaxed. This show was a tough one for me. Just because it demanded a lot, and I had to figure out how to deliver and connect the emotional dots. I can't say I always did it successfully, and, frankly, this show has become the champion "screw-up" show for me. I've never had as many brain-farts and general "off the rails" moments as I had during this run. It took me all four weeks to take what we had rehearsed and really make it my own.

Which, frankly, doesn't speak well for me.

Maybe I'm too hard on myself, but I really do feel like I could've done better. Of course, I ALWAYS feel like I could do better. God help me when I finish a show and think, "well, I was just perfect, there."

Long story short, Ka-Tet is a good group of people and, I'm happy to have worked with them and director David Fehr. Hopefully, there will be a second time.

Had an audition on Saturday for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof, reading for Brick. Long story short, schedules made the entire thing a waste of time. I'm not the kind of person who can drop out of something just because I think there's a "better deal" being offered.

It does kind of kill me, however.

I don't know how many times I heard in undergrad, "oh, you are such a Tennessee Williams actor, you look like a Williams character, you're gonna end up doing tons of Williams plays." Which was great with me, along with Mamet and Miller, Williams is one of the playwrights I really FEEL. I don't know if that makes any sense, but I can hear the rhythms which I read the plays. I can hear the dialogue in my head.

...And, of course, I've never, not once, played a Williams character.

(Well, aside from running on and off as Stanley Kowalski in Woody Allen's God: A Play.)

Anyway, this is the second time in as many years that I've had a chance at a favorite Williams' show, and had it go south. (Last year was Stanley in A Streetcar Named Desire, which, honestly, hurt even more.)

Frankly, audition opportunities recently have been S-L-I-M. I went through 3 weeks of notices today, and found only one that I'd be interested in. Unfortunately, it's a show I've already agreed to do. So, that's a no-lose situation, but I'd still like to find something for October-November, since I'm not doing the Fall show for Stage Left, Kingsville. I'm hoping (fingers crossed) that I'll be doing the Stage Left Spring Show...

Speaking of which, Stage Left (as you may have guessed, since I'm talking about it) has officially announced their 2010-2011 season. Go, check it out, and, if you're in Chicago, Leapfest is right around the corner. Come see me in The Meaning of Lunch by Dan Aibel, as well as all the great workshop shows.

And lo, the Monday after the feast.

Well, here we sit on Monday November 30th....

The trip to Omaha was pretty uneventful. I got to see Ken, and take in his show Christmas in New England. We spent time with the Byrd family, and all was pretty well.

I still have yet to see my order from Amazon, but apparently a replacement is on the way. That's at least settled, though I am still not happy with the amount of time I could've been enjoying the movie and CD that is now past...I know it's all very silly, I really do, but these two items were things I was really looking forward to immersing myself in, and the wait has been really difficult.

So, for all of you out there who've been thinking it...You're right, I am ridiculous, but I have ever right in the world to be ridiculous, thank you very much.

The lack of success in my auditions is still weighing on me. Totally hypocritical, based on the philosophies I have espoused on this blog, but God damn...This last one hit me hard. I'm not quite sure how to process it, yet. Sure, I know, rationally, that there will be other opportunities, and I knew that this was an audition for a tight-knit ensemble. So, the ultimate resolution should not be such a downer, or a surprise.

But it is.

But we soldier on, right?

Dreary week...

So, my weekend was hardly "relaxing." It was packed full of commitments and tasks to be checked off.

Saturday from 9-2, I had a callback. It was a long day of auditioning. Compounded by the fact that I really wanted this show and this role. I've had a pretty long "dry-spell" audition-wise, at least for me. (Side note - I am 100% aware that I have been VERY lucky here in Chicago, and really have no room to complain about a 6-9 month period wherein I was not getting cast.) So, I went into this callback very much wanting to perform well.

Not the best way to approach an audition, as I've said in other blogs.

I still very much feel that you have to be able to let each audition go, pretty much immediately after you walk out, and accept a "what will be, will be," attitude. It's the only way to keep sane and stop torturing yourself over "failures" in the audition room. That being said, we're all human, and there's always "those shows," that you feel more than others. Shows that you, flat out, just want to have a shot at.

Well, this show on Saturday...it was one of those shows for me.

I still am in the dark. Waiting. I've worked with this director before, and he's always been quite good about letting me know, "sorry, next time," if need be. Still, it's hard. I'm almost to the point where I can say, "if it was yes, I'd have heard."

But not yet. I'm still holding some hope.

After the audition, we had a lovely meal at Wishbone, and then off to the Auditorium Theatre for the John Fogerty show. Great show, high energy, and, by God, that man's voice is better preserved than any singer I can think of. He still sounds EXACTLY like the records. He also has the most amazing hair, ever...like, Ronald Regan black hair. The man has to be sixty-five, at least, I wonder if his preserved voice and hair are connected?

I do have to say, I'm certain I'm spoiled by Springsteen, but an "evening with" show that only runs 1:45 seems a little slight. On a certain level I understand it, because those CCR tunes, well, none of them is over 3 minutes long, but...I dunno. He played nothing off Blue Moon Swamp or Revival, which is a damn shame. You could easily mine another 3o minutes out of those two excellent albums. Other than that I was extremely happy with the setlist;

AUDITORIUM THEATRE
CHICAGO, IL - NOVEMBER 21, 2009

HEY TONIGHT
GREEN RIVER
SUSIE Q
WHEN WILL I BE LOVED
WHO’LL STOP THE RAIN
LOOKIN’ OUT MY BACKDOOR
LODI
RAMBLE TAMBLE
BACK HOME AGAIN
I PUT A SPELL ON YOU
BIG TRAIN FROM MEMPHIS
KEEP ON CHOOGLIN’
HAVE YOU EVR SEEN THE RAIN
GARDEN PARTY
BORN ON THE BAYOU
HAUNTED HOUSE
NIGHT TIME IS THE RIGHT TIME
COMIN’ DOWN THE ROAD
ROCK AND ROLL GIRLS
DOWN ON THE CORNER
CENTERFIELD
BAD MOON RISING
OLD MAN DOWN THE ROAD
FORTUNATE SON
GOOD GOLLY MISS MOLLY
PROUD MARY

Fogerty seemed in very good spirits and really seemed to be having a great time with the crowd. I did wish we could've been a little closer in, but don't you always? The band was fantastic, especially fiddle/guitar/bongo/mandolin player Jason Mowery. Just a fantastic time, I would totally see him again.

Sunday consisted of a whole day at Stage Left. Rehearsal for a reading in the AM, then back for rehearsal for our winter show Here Where It's Safe by M.E.H. Lewis, and directed by Scott Bishop. I've agreed to assistant direct the show, so I'm excited about that. Ought to be fun to have some hand in my company's only full production this year.

I also spent some time going over a script, and writing a short, quick directing proposal for it, for another company. That's in for their consideration, so we shall see. That would be, primarily, a summer project.

Shane is still on a burner, somewhere...waiting.

The week starts with me insanely frustrated with Amazon. My Them Crooked Vultures CD and Star Trek Blu-Ray have still not arrived.

Sloooooow Burrrrrn....

**sigh**

Hey! It's Thursday!!

And I have little to nothing to say, my friends.

My callback last night went pretty darn well. I was happy, and it's a familiar, comfortable environment. I doubt I'll get it, mainly because I have my sights on another show that conflicts with this one. I spoke up, because I have a good relationship with the folks, and company, from last night, and I want to maintain it. I like to leave people who want to work with me again in my wake.

It won't always happen, but that's my goal.

It is a sign to me that I've been here a good long time when I seem to know more people at auditions than I don't. Seems there's always a face from the past that I'm happy to see. Sometimes it's been so long that it's almost like seeing a ghost. People from shows years ago, or short films, or whatever, and you spend a few moments just sort of...looking.

"Is that? Hmmm...I don't know..."

looks traded, then someone (usually not me, I'm terrible with names), finally says, "Mark, right?"

...and we're off.

Everyone always says theatre is a small world. It's so true.

Random...

Damn, that rice pudding last night hit the spot. Seriously, I'm on some sort of crazy rice pudding addiction right now. I ate like 22 oz. of the stuff last night...

So good.

Andrew Lloyd Weber's putting up his sequel to Phantom of the Opera next year...God help us all.

I keep wanting to so a "Mark's Bookshelf" blog, but whenever I think about it, I end up with one more book I wanna finish before I do it. Silly and stupid, I know, but it's the new Michael Chabon book!!! How can I not acknowledge that?

Speaking of which, Mike, love your books with all my heart. I'm always happy for even a collection of essays, as this new one is. That being said PLEASE, PRETTY PLEASE work faster on a new novel. I'm dying out here!

Still in a bit of a struggle about my lack of projects. It's so hard to write about these things, as I really don't have any place to complain, and because I, as stated, intellectually know that it's just a turn of the card, or a roll of the dice. It's not a reflection on my talent, or lack thereof. However, that doesn't help the heart or ego all that much.

The other pain in the ass this week was finding out that all of the San Diego Comic Con tickets that would allow entrance to preview night the Wednesday before the official opening are sold out. Apparently, they've taken action to limit the people in the building for Preview Night. Not really a bad idea, as in 2008 the floor was so crowded you could barely move. Nightmarishly crowded.

Still, part of the ritual of the whole thing is now not available. As the boys have said, it just means we can go have our dinner earlier. Which is true, and we can get registered on Wednesday, and head right to the floor on Thursday. All good.

Anyway, I bought my ticket, the hotel is booked, so we're on our way. 10 months to go.

Just when I get out.....

Every time I open a show, I have that moment when I think:

"Ahh...NOW things will slow down for a bit."

Yeah, right.

Plans 1-8 From Outer Space is up and running. I feel pretty good about it, the only downside being the lack of sleep. Late night shows and I are not really on friendly terms. I tend to wake up the minute light comes through the window, which, after you've been out until 3:00, isn't a great thing.

Of course, the cycle will now begin again...I have two auditions tonight, a callback tomorrow, and a third audition on Saturday. They all look like worthwhile projects, but, I have to admit, Saturday's is probably the one I'm the most excited about. It's a very, very dark story. When I told Cbyrd the subject matter, she gave me that "eww" face.

LOL! I love it.

So, like I said, the cycle begins. The juggling, not just the schedules, but determining which is going to be the priority if more than one comes to fruition. All three of these shows are in the same general time frame, so I'd have to choose. Right now, from where I sit...Saturday's the winner. It's performing in a very well-known location, and I was recommended for it by a casting director that I'd like to actually win a role she suggested me for.

So, we shall see.

Also made headway on the music front. I have a couple of tracks "in progress" that, at the moment, I like a lot. Of course, all the ones I've tossed out I liked a lot, at one point or another, too. I'm still working in a "hard rock" style, I don't think I could escape the Springsteen influence if I tried, but I'm trying to think it terms of a 70's hard rock sound, The Who, Led Zeppelin or the Stones. That kinda thing.

No, I DON'T think it's that good, but that's the "feel" I'm aiming for. Kinda bluesy, but also heavy. In any case, last night I was playing, really enjoying myself, and feeling creative, so, perhaps the dry spell has passed.

Thursday, when the weekend seems so close, yet so far...

So, yeah.

No word on my auditions from anyone remotely official. I know some people have gotten the "no thanks" calls for both. I, to date, have not. Really, at this point, I gotta just think that I won't be doing either.

Maybe I'm a back-up for first choices. That would explain why I haven't heard. That's fine, but I just can't imagine that they haven't at least offered the roles to somebody if people I know have gotten the "next time" call.

No biggie. We roll on. I mean, yeah, I'd have loved to do either show, no doubt, but you know what Jagger said.

For the record, I read for Macduff in Macbeth, and Stanley in A Streetcar Named Desire. I can tell you now because it's over, and I don't feel like it will jinx me. LOL! I felt I did the best I could, in the circumstances, with both. That's all I can ask of myself. After that, as I've said, it's all a question of taste.

I can't help it if they have no taste... ;)

(And, yes, that is a JOKE)

Anyway...

Thinking about Wednesday Comics. I still love the series, but I would offer the following constructive criticism. One; 15 is too many features per week. Seriously, I think you could cut the cost of the thing by a bit if you only had seven.

The Wonder Woman strip just smacks of a creator who has no clue how to deal with just having one page. The panels get tiny, which sorta defeats the purpose of the "large artwork" selling point, as he tries to stuff more and more story into that one page. The coloring makes it all muddy, and it's just not compelling in any way.

Palmiotti and Conner have it down pat with their Supergirl feature. It works like a daily gag strip, yet it's building a longer storyline. It only takes about a minute to read, but it's consistantly funny, and I eagerly await what they'll pull off next time.

Joe and Andy Kubert also have a winner with the Sgt. Rock offering. Kubert's such an old pro, he knows how to make each and every panel pop. Master class stuff.

The Gaiman/Allred Metamorpho strip really seems stuck in the mud. This week, at least, they broke out of the "whole page as one, giant panel" rut. It's visually interesting, but it slows your story down to a crawl. Nothing seemed to happen at all during weeks 2 and 3 for that reason.

Paul Pope's "Strange Adventures" is also really dense, but maintains a lightness of touch, and more concrete visuals that really hold up well.

Also a fan of the Flash, Green Lantern and Metal Men strips. As well as the Superman, Batman and Hawkman stuff. Really it's all good, but I wonder how the weaker elements got in there.

I think cutting strips back a bit, and dropping the price to say, $2.99 would keep me on board as long as you printed this. Mistakes are inherant in this sort of endeavor, it's brand new. Don't be afraid to fix some things.

Audition Report

Things went pretty well over the weekend. I felt like I made some strong choices, and went with the stuff being given to me pretty well for both Macbeth and A Streetcar Named Desire. I know that Stanley and Macduff are roles I would love to play, which can either motivate the hell out of you, or send you down the wrong path entirely.

But did I do "well?"

How the hell do I know?

The only thing I can really point to and call a turning point is in the Streetcar audition, I just went ahead and took my shirt off when it was indicated. I THINK I either got it, or lost it at that moment.

Who knows?

You know as soon as you write something like I did yesterday....

The crisis of confidence will hit, and you'll go back on everything you've put up as "common sense" advice.

Yeah, the callback tomorrow has me a little worried.

Not "quaking in my boots" worried, or anything. I'm fairly certain I won't make a total ass out of myself. That being said, they sure picked a hell of a scene. Juuuust a little bit difficult. Not that I don't understand, completely, it's exactly what I would've asked guys after this role to do. You don't want to throw softballs.

Lot more confident about the one on Sunday. I'm feeling good, and strong, about stepping into those shoes.

I also have another audition on Sunday, where they want me to play guitar, and, frankly, I just can't really drum up much interest. I kinda just want to blow it off. Probably won't, but....hmmm...

Yet again, I'm looking at a weekend overflowing with places to be and commitments. I'd LOVE to have a free weekend, at some point.

I also just realized that the Ratt/Extreme show I wanted to go see at the House of Blues is tonight...Well, missed that one.