The Pendulum of My Mood

I've been feeling manic/depressive.

At a time when a LOT of good things are happening for me, I can't quite stop worrying. I worry about my current gig, I worry about the gig that starts Sunday, I worry about another, pending gig, that is a big deal, and may, or may not happen. A lot of it is out of my hands, which is the worst part. I cannot abide feeling at the mercy of fate.

I do hit highs, I took yesterday off, to try to recharge a bit, and it helped...to a point. I'm happy to say drums and bass are laid down for the first track of Hayoth, Volume 3, tentatively titled Hello Blisters. I also managed to play Arkham Knight to 92% finished...I love that game, BTW.

But I didn't leave the house for a full 24 hours, and I did work out, but it was lackadaisical and perfunctory. I just feel kinda gross, fat and spent.

Of course, then I do the show, or start looking at my stuff for the next show, and I get excited. Or I pick up the guitar, and it's invigorating.

But everything else feels like such a slog, right now. so much feels like it's just happening to me, rather than feeling some control over my life. I am in the rapids, and I'm hanging on, but...how long can it last? I want some solid footing.

I need to do better for myself, I need to make myself better. I need to find the confidence and the best parts of me, to be the best person I can. Which I don't always succeed at.

I wish I could just Crtl+Alt+Del and reboot.

Worth Remembering

 "Life works in such contradictions, you know? Don’t get me wrong, I really want everything I do to be appreciated, to find an audience, I want people to think I’m good at what I do, I want to feel good at what I do. We all have a self-worth in our lives that unfortunately and by virtue of being part of human existence we look outside ourselves and see how we’re doing with our peers. So, I’m there very much. But at the same time, I don’t relate to the importance of it all with the depth that I used to—when I used to say I didn’t care about it. When I used to go, “I don’t care about any of it.” I really cared then. I just didn’t know how to acknowledge it or express my caring. I didn’t understand it. Now, I still care, but I care less really. And it’s freed me up. That’s the irony, it’s freed me up." - Colin Farrell

Source

I've always like Colin Farrell. Yeah, he had a string of bad choices, a lot of actors do, and some problems with addiction, which I certainly know about.

But, man...In Bruges alone is a huge thing. And I encourage you to watch Phone Booth if you haven't. That movie destroyed me when I first saw it. It has so much to say about our insular society, and who we are as people, right now, all within the framework of a pretty entertaining thriller.