Worth Remembering

 "Life works in such contradictions, you know? Don’t get me wrong, I really want everything I do to be appreciated, to find an audience, I want people to think I’m good at what I do, I want to feel good at what I do. We all have a self-worth in our lives that unfortunately and by virtue of being part of human existence we look outside ourselves and see how we’re doing with our peers. So, I’m there very much. But at the same time, I don’t relate to the importance of it all with the depth that I used to—when I used to say I didn’t care about it. When I used to go, “I don’t care about any of it.” I really cared then. I just didn’t know how to acknowledge it or express my caring. I didn’t understand it. Now, I still care, but I care less really. And it’s freed me up. That’s the irony, it’s freed me up." - Colin Farrell

Source

I've always like Colin Farrell. Yeah, he had a string of bad choices, a lot of actors do, and some problems with addiction, which I certainly know about.

But, man...In Bruges alone is a huge thing. And I encourage you to watch Phone Booth if you haven't. That movie destroyed me when I first saw it. It has so much to say about our insular society, and who we are as people, right now, all within the framework of a pretty entertaining thriller.

Feeling the Influence of the Boss Again

I am always amused at how my consumption of pop culture tends to come and go in floods. Nowhere is this more obvious than in music. I tend to gorge myself on an artist or band, then move on to another, rinse, repeat.

Springsteen consistently returns to me, soothes me, reaffirms me, and arms me to keep fighting, in the face of my darkest and most disillusioned times. Which, frankly, I am very much in right now. I keep coming back to his lessons about endurance and commitment. All this will pass, you must simply...work through it.

"And you've got to learn to live with what you can't rise above"
- from Tunnel of Love

 His work speaks to me on such an intimate, immediate, emotional level. He grapples with the biggest questions facing our society, and never lets the focus grow beyond the immediate. The personal. He never writes about class struggle, he writes about the man who toils in the the factory, or the woman in the car wash. He doesn't write about immigration policy, he writes about two Mexican brothers with no option but working in a meth lab in the Southwestern desert, or turtles eating the eyes of a poor traveler who didn't quite make it across the Rio Grande.

I wish more chroniclers of our times could make this simple connection...big ideas are based on personal stories, and personal stories are what can change hearts and minds. Tell a person's story, and it doesn't have to be positive, negative, or anything else. It has to be honest. That's all. Don't wrap it in a agenda. Just tell the fucking story. Trust the audience to make up their own damn mind.

"And the poets down here don't write nothing at all. They just stand back and let it all be"

- from Jungleland

I have struggled with my story. In my acting, in my music, in my life. I have felt lost far, for more often than I have not. I have felt abandoned, betrayed and misled. I have felt my time wasted, time that grows more and more precious to me as the proverbial little crystal in my palm hews more and more toward red. I have felt faith betrayed and loyalty shit on...

...and here I stand.

"Born down in a dead man's town. The first kick I took was when I hit the ground.
You end up like a dog that's been beat too much. Till you spend half your life just covering up"

- from Born in the USA

Waiting for that spark of inspiration. Waiting for faith to be rewarded. Waiting for my own skills and abilities to carry me onward. Waiting for belief. Waiting for brotherhood.

It's no secret that, musically, I would love to be Springsteen-esque. I harbor a dream of a sound that is like Zeppelin fronted by Bruce. The powerful hard rock musicality merged with Springsteen's storytelling. I may not have the actual skill to accomplish it, but I reach for it. The challenge drives me onward.

As an actor, I yearn for the honest moment that The Boss always finds on stage, in his own idiom. The moment where performer and audience merge with an emotional release that illuminates something primal. There are moments when it comes, for me, they are fleeting but pure. I marvel at how the man can extend it to shows that stretch to three hours, or more. It's an act. We know that. I wasn't really Randall P. McMurphy, or Milt Shanks, either, but the connection, and the emotion, is real.

At this moment, as I write, Bruce is playing. I need him now. My strength is low, my faith is broken, but the work must be done.

There's a dark cloud rising from the desert floor
I packed my bags and I'm heading straight into the storm
Gonna be a twister to blow everything down
That ain't got the faith to stand its ground
Blow away the dreams that tear you apart
Blow away the dreams that break your heart
Blow away the lies that leave you nothing but lost and brokenhearted

The dogs on Main Street howl

'Cause they understand
If I could take one moment into my hands
Mister, I ain't a boy, no I'm a man

And I believe in a promised land

- from The Promised Land

The Best Laid Plans....

So, I have converted my master WAV files for the two finished tracks, Burn and Warp, to MP3, and given them some listens....

They need to be re-mixed and mastered, at the very least.

I have found the tracks from ...And Getting Dollars Back ended up being quieter than I'd like in their finished versions. My intent was to try to rectify this by pumping the sound up, recording at a higher volume. What I've ended up with is a very brittle, harsh guitar sound.

Granted, both of these tracks have intentionally more treble-end guitar tone. Burn is, basically, a metal track, and I wanted the guitar to cut through. I think I just went too far. I need to tweak the EQ on the track, and definitely bring down the guitar in the mix. Maybe re-record the guitar part. I have to admit, I am somewhat regretting dumping the previous version.

Warp is much less of a problem, instrumentally. Everything sounds pretty good. I still think I went too far with the loudness. I do need to re-do the guitar solo...I don't even know what the fuck I was thinking. It's terrible.

I also...as is my eternal problem...need to fix the vocals. It's partially a mixing problem, but I could sing this stuff better. I still struggle with finding "my voice" for vocal work, and, frankly, I'd still love to find a real, and like-minded, vocalist to take a run at some of this stuff. Same with the drumming.

But we do what we can with what we have.

Fail/Safe rehearsals have started. I am very, very excited.

Great cast, fun people, and if we get half the technical whiz-bang that's been discussed, it's gonna be a super-cool looking show. Everybody's loose and ready to have fun, which is fairly essential, in my mind, with such heavy subject matter. We've only had two rehearsals, but I feel very welcome. A lot of openness to what I can bring to the table.

And, flat out, I love this character. It's not quite the level of my love for Milt Shanks, but Copperhead was something special. General Bogan is who I would hope I would be in this situation, and I feel like I carry a responsibility to the men an women who do this sort of work in how I play it. I think of that often as I go over lines, or work scenes, in a world where I feel like the baseline inclination is to demonize any sort of military or authority figure. I am often asked to play those roles. I am not blind to the weaknesses, but my job is to understand that life, that world.

I hope you all come and see it in September.

The Dark Days

There is a time, when working on a play, that lands during the period where rehearsals consist mainly of running the show over and over again. You've "worked" the scenes, tech is looming, and the meat of the matter is to try to make the show second-nature.

The lines are there, but they're not flowing. Not like you think you should. The blocking is there, but you still catch yourself wondering if you're in the right place. The moments happen, but you still get lost trying to remember the note you got last night.

The character is there, you can see him, catch him in the corner of your eye, but he won't stand still. Sometimes, he even flirts with you.

Nah...Probably more accurate to say he mocks you. Steps out of the shadows and lets you see him, fully. Feel him fully. All before he waves and disappears back into the shadow.

Just when you need him the most.

The time when you sit with your all-too-long list of line notes, and know that you should be better. The sting of every mistake is harsh and pointedly YOUR FAULT.

I call it "The Dark Days."

It's a fight to keep your mind in the game. To push forward, and stop stewing in the mistakes made.

Because you are going to make those mistakes again, it's inevitable. The worst inclination is to retreat, to pull back and try to lick your wounds. No, no...you have to fall forward, face first, and put your faith in yourself to catch something before a disaster. This is what acting is, to me, anyway, the fall. The moments of not knowing. The fear and exhilaration. Keeping the whole enterprise spinning on the head of a pin.

That's where the magic happens. In that faith, the magic happens. In that self-confidence, the magic happens.

The Dark Days are when that's hardest to remember. It's also the time when it's most important to do so.

Onward and Upward

Happenings in the theatre realm.

Last night marked the first rehearsal for Shadow Over Innsmouth, with WildClaw Theatre. I'm feeling pretty good about this project, seems like a decent group of folks. I've got a number of good character parts to chew into, in a horror story, which is always fun.

The director is Shade Murray, whom I worked with on The Petrified Forrest at Strawdog last year, and the adaptation of the H.P. Lovecraft novella is by Scott T. Barsotti, who wrote the lovely Your Teacher is Out Today, that I was lucky enough to be involved with during this last Summer's Leapfest X for Stage Left.

I also got word that I've been cast in a really, really exciting project for next year. I haven't got the high sign to reveal all the details, as yet, but I am beside myself with glee. When I revisited the script to prepare for the audition, it spoke to me immediately. The show, the role, I can only call a gift. A pure, true, and exciting gift. I am so looking forward to getting to work on it. I'll let you, my loyal readers, in on the details as soon as I get the go-ahead.

Honestly, I'm really thankful for these projects, because I feel like they've re-invigorated my enthusiasm for acting. Something that's been taking a beating in recent months.  This "mystery" project for next year, in particular...so, so exciting.

However, I have decided it was time to move on in certain areas. I have resigned from the ensemble of Stage Left Theatre. I still have much love for many of the fine people there, wish them well, as I hope they do for me, and will offer my support to them when they need it. That said, I felt it was time to move on, for my own good and well-being.

Time for a new chapter.

I Hate Feeling So Out of Sorts

I cannot get a handle on where I'm supposed to be right now.

My creative energies are scrambled and, well, lost. The love of the work that gave me solace and a sense of self is harder and harder to find.  I find myself longing to shut myself into my "studio" and just make music. Retreat into myself, just as I did in College.

I've found myself thinking a lot about my future as an actor. I don't know if it's just because I'm burnt out, or if I've genuinely just lost my passion for it. The worst thing is, I'm working right now, and it's throwing me off, I can't seem to learn lines, I can't focus. Which makes me feel like I'm letting people down, which just makes me more depressed, and...well, spiral of self-loathing, y'know?

The thing about when I work on my musical explorations, it's just me, y'know? I don't have to ask anyone else to give me an opportunity, I don't have to wait for somebody to allow me to do the kind of work I'm passionate about...it's all me. It's also all me in terms of who I can let down. If I listen back to my latest track, and I think my voice sounds like shit...well, no one has to pay the price but me if I just don't find the strength to fix it.

The Next Six Months-ish

Two upcoming projects to flog....

Warped
by Barb Lahota
Directed by Jason Fleece

August 31 - October 6, 2013

Two Chicago police officers give a ride home to a young, drunk twenty-something. Several hours later, the young woman emerges from her apartment screaming rape. Influenced by the film Rashomon, Warped presents the contradictory stories from each character's perspective and asks the question: Is the truth constant, or is it as malleable as our own perceptions?

 Presented by Stage Left Theatre Company




Warped was developed at Stage Left through a Downstage Left Residency in 2011 and appeared in LeapFest 9. I have been involved with this script through the entirety of it's development.

 

H.P. Lovecraft's
The Shadow Over Innsmouth
Adapted by Scott T. Barsotti
Directed by Shade Murray

No Synopsis, as yet - Per Wikipedia *SHUDDER*

The story describes a young man's discovery of a strange hybrid race, half-human and half an unknown creature that resembles a cross between a fish and a frog, that dwell in Innsmouth – a coastal town that had seen better days – and the waters offshore. The townspeople worship Dagon, a Philistine deity incorporated into the Cthulhu Mythos.

Presented by Wild Claw Theatre




Really excited about this. A new company, for me, which is always exciting. Plus, I get to work with two guys I've had wonderful experiences with before. The terrific Scott T. Barsotti (writer of Your Teacher is Out Today from Leapfest X), and similarly-terrific Shade Murray (director of Strawdog's The Petrified Forest).

Two Chicago police officers give a ride home to a young, drunk twenty-something. Several hours later, the young woman emerges from her apartment screaming rape. Influenced by the film Rashomon, Warped presents the contradictory stories from each character’s perspective and asks the question: Is the truth constant, or is it as malleable as our own perceptions? - See more at: http://stagelefttheatre.com/season-32/warped/#sthash.gbAh6bLY.dpuf

Two Chicago police officers give a ride home to a young, drunk twenty-something. Several hours later, the young woman emerges from her apartment screaming rape. Influenced by the film Rashomon, Warped presents the contradictory stories from each character’s perspective and asks the question: Is the truth constant, or is it as malleable as our own perceptions? - See more at: http://stagelefttheatre.com/season-32/warped/#sthash.gbAh6bLY.dpuf

Two Chicago police officers give a ride home to a young, drunk twenty-something. Several hours later, the young woman emerges from her apartment screaming rape. Influenced by the film Rashomon, Warped presents the contradictory stories from each character’s perspective and asks the question: Is the truth constant, or is it as malleable as our own perceptions? - See more at: http://stagelefttheatre.com/season-32/warped/#sthash.gbAh6bLY.dpuf

When You Think About "Success..."

Not big on God, but I like the sentiment

What does that mean?

Now, of course, because I'm me, I'm talking about people of a creative bent. I won't say "artists," because I've discussed (probably ad-nauseum) that I reject people calling themselves "artists." I'm not an artist, I'm a creator, I'm a communicator, a craftsman. The audience can decide if I'm an artist.

For a lot of people it means money, pure and simple. That they will do anything, any project, as long as a decent check is involved. The ultimate goal is to "make a living," to not have to do anything else. I get that. I really do, but I often think...what are you giving up?

If you get that major national ad gig, become the spokesman for a product, you have a really lucrative opportunity. Lots of money, lots of exposure, comfort, and some security (to a point), for as long at the campaign runs, anyway.

Yet, I keep thinking...what does that do to your career? How can you move on from that, if you've done so many ads, your face on TV every 10 minutes hocking cell phones, or whatever, who's going to want to cast you for anything else? You're the "can you hear me now?" guy forever.

I feel the same when I hear tales of people chasing gigs around the country, stuff they're not in love with, but do because they need to keep the money coming in. Again, nothing wrong with that, but...it seems to be a case of diminishing returns.

I didn't get into acting, or music, or writing, or whatever other expressive enterprise I try my hand at, to not love it. Granted, I think I would likely enjoy traveling the country performing over office work, and I did that for a (short) while. It was great. It was fun, and there was a ton of freedom to do things like surf and drink.

However, I always had my sights on Chicago, not because I could make a living acting here, but because I would watch early Steppenwolf, or Body Politic, or Red Orchid, productions and THAT was what I wanted to do, to be a part of. Work that made me uncomfortable, that challenged me, that pushed me. Even if it didn't pay me a "living wadge."

The fact is, I'm happy to work a day job when I find myself with those kinds of opportunities available to me.

Here's the truth. I am a story guy, period. I like stories about people who have problems, and try to deal with them. Who may succeed or may fail. I, personally, don't give a shit about politics, the burning issue you just NEED to get on paper, or Brechtian concepts. You can use all that stuff to tell a story, but when it overwhelms the idea of two people, standing on a stage, in conflict, I check out.

The fact is, all the fancy parlor tricks and speechifying quite often does just that. It becomes a barrier between the audience and the performer. Yes, I like realism. I like theatre that says, "these people are just like you, you can recognize them as real, not as some sort of over-baked symbol of an idea." Again, as I've trumpeted ad-nauseum, you can tell any story you want, make any point, but you have to do with people the audience relates to. What happens to these people is what illuminates your point, and often, explaining it any further is killing the catharsis.

See, because on the other side of doing everything for money, is willfully trying to make your work inscrutable.

I guess this is all prelude to the fact that I do not feel "successful." I work a lot, and sometimes it's great, and sometimes it isn't. I take jobs for all kinds of reasons, people I want to work with, companies I want to work with, even because I feel I owe somebody something (*sigh* Hero. Complex.). I strive to give my best in all cases, and I hope my colleagues recognize that.

But I live for the "magic" projects. Those are the ones that make me feel like a success, even if people hate them, even if we get the worst reviews, ever. Where the story means something to me, the character means something to me, gives me something new and interesting to play, and the people around me are supportive and working as a team. The hell of it is, it's often right after one of these "magic" projects, that I feel furthest from "success." When I realize exactly how rare they are.

That's becoming hard for me to deal with.

Hello, It's Been a While

Well, I've been a bit lax, haven't I?

So much going on. Pygmalion has closed. Peyton Place getting ready to open, opening tonight, actually.

Obviously, I had some pride in Pygmalion. It was a script that I brought to the table, and the show was well-received. Great cast, good people. That said, I was happy to be done.

If nothing else, I got to shave and cut my hair. It was all gone within 24 hours of walking off stage for the last time.

Honestly, I've been slow getting on with the blog just because I've felt...slow. I'm tired. Very, very tired. It's been 12 days since Pygmalion closed, and those twelve days feel like months. I mean, I went right into full runs and tech for Peyton after Pygmalion closed, and that felt a lot like whiplash.

Then I got in a car accident. I got rear-ended, and pushed into the car in front of me. Of course, this happened on the day that was supposed to be my "day off" to relax before tech kicked in. The car's a mess, but I feel fine. The insurance company wanted to total it, but we decided to get it fixed. It's a good little car and CByrd and I love it.

Honestly, I cannot wait to not have rehearsals to go to. This year has been a blessing, I've been working on one thing or another, solid, since last...June, I think. It's great to know that so many people enjoy and want to work with me, but God, I am tired.

I want some free time again, I want to work on music (Jesus, that song and dance, again?). I have a few things on the far horizon, and I will need to start poking around for a Fall project soon, but I am blissfully free of commitments until June. I'm sure 2 weeks after Peyton Place closes, I'll have a panic attack/breakdown about never getting hired again, but I need to not be working for a bit.

In June I'll be doing a one-night performance of a lovely little script as part of Leapfest X, called Your Teacher is Out Today. It's a one-man show, and we're only doing it once. So, I'll let you know about that.

In may, it's vacation time. It sounds like we'll be kicking around England, again. Including Cardiff, where we're sure to visit this.

I'm determined to get some of this music finished. I'm also determined to get some more writing done. I'm generally determined to have some time off, and be productive with it.

There Comes A Moment When You Just Get Tired

I'm fourty-one (41) years old. Now, in the grand scheme of things, I know that's really not that old. It's not like I'm gonna drop dead tomorrow. I can still function without adult diapers, and I can get around on my own power.

But, there is that other thing.

Every actor starts out wanting to be a "star." Just fucking admit it, OK? We all start out there, thinking "I'm gonna go to Hollywood, and my name will be in lights." Some people never get out of it. Those are the people who wind up getting way, way too involved in Community Theatre award presentations. If you've spent any time in those environments, you know what I'm talking about. If you're trying to figure out what gown to wear to the Spartanburg Community Playhouse Awards, you have a problem.

Sooner or later, if you make it out of the "I do it for fun, and the envy of those who couldn't get cast" realm, you start thinking in terms of "making a living." Which, don't get me wrong, is FAR healthier. How can I take this (lets be honest) meager set of skills they gave me a degree for, use it to put a roof over my head, and food on my table. Again, very healthy, but I also see friends on this track doing work in productions that are  painfully and obviously sub-par, just to get a check.

Which is fine...but I did that for a while. It was fun, I surfed a lot, how could it not be? It also didn't really feel like I was "artistically satisfied." I was satisfied in a hell of a lot of other ways, so, as Alfred E. Newman would say, "what, me worry?"

Deep down, as I have said before, I do this for myself. Not in the "hey, look at me!" Community Theatre model, but in the "what can I give of myself to this?" model. It's not that I haven't done shows for the fun of the show or the people doing it, or for the notoriety of working with certain people, or organizations. I have. That's part of the game. I've also always tried to put something of myself into those jobs, and sometimes that's a struggle.

I want to do good work. I'd like to make a living doing it, but that seems more and more like a pipe dream. It's the great Catch-22 of working in this kind of environment. I work a full-time job, so I can do theatre without feeling like I have to make enough to live on. It allows me to do shows for companies who can't pay a living wadge...but it also makes it easy to feel like I don't need a living wadge from acting.

I don't regret that, really. I guess. I like to work, and I generally get something for it. 

I honestly, have been pecking at this blog entry for days now. I don't even know if I'm still on track toward a point. What the hell, right? It's my goddamn blog, right?

I guess right now I'm thinking about the future. Where is this all going? What am I trying to accomplish in my life? Do I want to succeed and more forward at my "job?" Or is that a distraction from my "career?" Am I sabotaging myself by not pushing and pushing to move up the ladder? Should I be working for my TV/commercial/film work?

It's all feeling a bit overwhelming, right now.

Damn, Time Flies

I've been letting the blog down. I know this. I should write more, but, the simple fact is, I've been so wiped out with getting Frankenstein on it's feet, I didn't have much energy to blog. It's kinda ridiculous. I keep thinking there's going to be some glorious, golden moment in a few weeks when I'll have some free time to read, or work on music. Some time when I won't feel the pressure of my commitments.

Not bloody likely.

I'm into a Meisner scene study class now, and I was ecstatic to find out I'd be working on David Mamet's Speed the Plow. Anyone who knows me knows I love Mamet, and what you may not know is that, aside from a directing assignment where I put up a one act cutting of American Buffalo (a REALLY stupid decision on my part - never try to direct a play you really just want to be in), I have NEVER worked on a Mamet play.

But Goddamn, it's a lot of words.

On top of that, Pygmalion is on the horizon and moving in fast. Had a meeting with our dialect coach last night, and I have to start on lines for that, as well as getting the cockney in my head. I'm feeling very wary of this project. I'm not overly sure why. It's a great part, funny and lovely dialogue.

But Goddamn, it's a lot of words.

I also am feeling very, very much like I want to get back to working on my recording projects. It's been so long since I've felt like I could work on them, I may be at a point where I need to "burn the ships" again. I have one solid track done, I think (two different versions, even), and a lot of great songs starting to gel. I just find that, often, when I lose my track on where I am, and what my thought process was, it's best to chuck it all and start over.

That's why I have a home studio, isn't it? Don't cost nothin'.

The Frankenstein Playlist: Track Two

The Playlist So Far:

• 1- The Creature Lives by Mastodon

Our second track continues the theme of alienation in yesterday's selection, but adds a heaping helping of Oedipal guilt and anger. There's one particular scene where I often think of this track

In many ways, the entire story of Frankenstein is about a child seeking acceptance from his father. I find this particular track to be deeply, deeply in touch with those feelings. Wanting to be close with a parent, yet with sometimes years of misunderstanding and rejection between you. Sometimes outright hatred, but even under that, even at one's most anguished and enraged, there is the deep need to be part of a family. To be loved, despite your failings and weaknesses.

The Creature, as always, is seeking that grace. The tragic element is that he has not the experience or maturity to deal with not getting it. When he is left out in the cold world alone, with no one to turn to for comfort...he can only imagine lashing out.

My Father's House
by Bruce Springsteen



Last night I dreamed that I was a child
Out where the pines grow wild and tall
I was trying to make it home through the forest
Before the darkness falls
I heard the wind rustling through the trees
And ghostly voices rose from the fields
I ran with my heart pounding down that broken path
With the devil snappin' at my heels

I broke through the trees, and there in the night
My father's house stood shining hard and bright
The branches and brambles tore my clothes and scratched my arms
But I ran till I fell, shaking in his arms
I awoke and I imagined the hard things that pulled us apart
Will never again, sir, tear us from each other's hearts
I got dressed, and to that house I did ride
From out on the road, I could see its windows shining in light

I walked up the steps and stood on the porch
A woman I didn't recognize came and spoke to me through a chained door
I told her my story, and who I'd come for
She said "I'm sorry, son, but no one by that name lives here anymore"

My father's house shines hard and bright
It stands like a beacon calling me in the night
Calling and calling, so cold and alone
Shining `cross this dark highway where our sins lie unatoned

The Frankenstein Playlist: Track One

The Frankenstein process has been interesting for me. The role ended up being far more physical than I expected. Our first two weeks were just combat and violence, and I suffered for my art. Pains, aches, the aforementioned wrist injury. It's just been...hard.

Thing is, there's also a very difficult emotional course to set, and the challenge of bringing the physical to the emotional. How the creature walks, how he talks, and how he fights are intimately connected to how he feels and thinks. It's been a job to create all these things, and try to merge them together. (and get the lines, which aren't there yet. Soon, I hope.)

Take a guess.

One thing that's been interesting for this role and this project is that music has become a touchstone for a lot of what's going on. I've found myself connecting with certain songs in building the character. Some of the selections are pretty on-the-nose and obvious, some get a little more ephemeral and emotional. Obviously, the artists here are some of my favorites, and probably won't surprise anybody. No apologies, this is my playlist, and my Creature.

That said...I wouldn't lay money on seeing any Edgar Winter Group tunes here.

I will continue this blog series until the show opens, or I run out of songs. I really don't have any idea which will happen first. I have the list as it is right now, but I'm finding it to be a living document, changing and evolving as my performance does.

The first track, honestly, leapt to mind the moment I was offered the part. As that might suggest, it is a rather obvious choice. Even with that, the tone of the song and the lyric are right in line with how I see the creature. It also happens to be one of my favorite tracks from my favorite album of last year.

The Creature Lives
by Mastodon



I saw the creature fall
Into the swamp from which he spawned
I heard them laugh and say
They never liked him anyway

I tried to talk to them
To help you on your feet again
They laughed and said to me
The swamp is right where I should be

The creature lives
The creature lives
The creature lives
The creature lives

The Mind Is Strong, but the Body Needs a Minute

So, Frankenstein is underway, and, as usual, I've had a problem early on. It seems that it always happens to me, I get excited to dive into a rehearsal process, and then...something happens that spins me out of sorts for the first few weeks. In this case, I'm sort of in double crap.

First, this is a heavy fight show. I mean HEAVY. Almost every, single time I walk on stage there is some sort of violence. Wouldn't you know that my writ picks exactly this time to start hurting. I don't know if it's a sprain, or a twist, or what. I don't think it's carpal tunnel, which was my first, horrendous fear. I've done a couple of the quick checks reccommended online...looks like that's not it.

I think it's a sprain. Which at least should heal with some rest. I've been icing and using the heating pad at night, and wearing a brace all day and in rehearsals. Doing what you're supposed to do, but, the big problem is, with this much choreography, I can't just not do the fights. Man, I feel it every time my left hand turns just a tad too far the wrong way.

The worst part is, I have two lifts in the show, and, at this point, I simply cannot accomplish them. They're important to the story, and great character moments. Not doing them would break my heart.

Which, of course, I'm worried about. It's just a stupid sprain, right? Still, you mind races forward. What if I can't do it by the time we open? I'm not lifting weights right now, because of this. What if I get fat(ter)? What if it's like this forever!?!

Of course, I'm also just exhausted. I didn't even do cardio this morning, because I just wanted to sleep. Which is probably for the best, but you know how I get. Miss a day, and I start the guilt trip. It just reminds me that I should make it a priority to get in better shape than I am now. Not that I'm in terrible shape, but I could be better.

The worst part is I think this whole injury is making me paranoid about the whole show. I have started worrying about, well, everything. Is the mental growth of the Creature right? Am I going too far, emotionally? Not far enough? My Meisner work over the last year or so has pushed me even more toward the "listen and react" school, but rarely do you find a character who's given circumstances change and evolve so quickly. From a non-speaking, well, blank, if we get down to brass tacks, to a cunning and brutal strategist.

I find myself, each time we start a scene, trying to plot where the character is in his evolution. What that means for how he thinks and reacts. It's rare to have a character who's such a blank slate. In a way it would seem easier, and it honestly may be, once we start running the show in order. Now, however, with the scenes so out of context and order...It's just difficult.

Of course, I wanted this because it would be difficult. I just didn't really expect the physical toll. Use it, right? Use the pain.

Previews start September 28th.

Exhaustion

Hello, faithful readers. You'd have to be faithful to still be checking my blog after things being quite less that "regular" around here. I've been off my game, in terms of wanting to write. The honest truth is that I've been off my game in a lot of respects.

I look at my guitar a ton...I need to record, I know it. Yet, I don't. I have songs and riffs ready, and I need to play around with them. I re-listened to the scratch recordings I did of two "songs" with a live drummer and Pauly C back in May, and I was struck that I really liked them. They need work, of course, but there's somethign nice going on. I am toying with getting an electric drum kit, so I can try to bash out some drum lines myself. Of course, I need to get some cards paid off, first.

I need to read more. I've kinda stalled out on reading Frankenstein, as research for the the show. It makes sense, I always have a hard time reading when I know I should be working on lines. Still, I need to get back in the swing of reading, because...damn it. I just enjoy it so much, especially with the kindle. Plus, new Chabon next month.

I need to get my ass in gear on lines. I really fell down on the job with the understudy gig I had in July/Aug. I never really got it in my head, but, then again, I never had to go on. So, I guess it's a wash. Still with three shows in rapid succession over the next 6 months, I need to get myself into the mindset of learning them early and well. I already feel a bit a sea, Frankenstein-wise. It'll pass, it always does, but I also have a TON of violence and physical work to deal with, and I'd rather have the text in my head and done. I wanted to be working on it earlier, but the understudy gig was sapping my worry and effort.

Honestly, all of this would probably feel easier if I didn't feel absolutely run-down right now. I shot a commercial in northern Iowa a week, or so, ago. 12 hour days that began at 3:00 AM  was pretty much the way of things. It was great, and far more rewarding and fun than I ever expected. That said...I don't think I've yet to recover from it.

I just feel tired all the time.

Again, it'll pass, I know it will. I just have to fight through it. Keep my eye on the ball, and not let things slide. Cowboy up, I guess.

Russell Crowe

The important thing to me is that I'm not driven by people's praise and I'm not slowed down by people's criticism. I'm just trying to work at the highest level I can.

-Russell Crowe 

A few weeks ago, I watched the Russell Crowe episode of Inside the Actor's Studio, and found it rather inspirational. First off, he's a great actor. I will entertain no debate on this subject. All I'm gonna do is hand you a copies of L.A. Confidential, Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World and Cinderella Man and then slap you across the face.

Crowe is a burly, fleshy guy, much like myself, and, frankly, that that makes him immediately inspirational, in a personal way. There's also the way he attacks roles in a physically that is incredibly appealing to me. Hell, he speaks about how gaining so much weight for The Insider seems to have permanently screwed up his metabolism. It's that "all in" sort of performance that speaks to me, and is, to some point, frustrating because I can't put my life on hold to make those kind of changes to myself. Still I aspire to it.

Plus, watching him talk about his process on ITAS left me with lots of bits and elements that I could work with. I was especially struck, probably because Frankenstein is on the horizon, by his comments about physical elements, and how you have to get them in place early. I expect to be making some major changes to my appearance for this show. Changes that, frankly, scare me, for various ego-driven reasons. It was through listening to Crowe talk about it that I realized I should embrace it, and go for it, as soon as I possibly can.

So I am. I may still be scared of it, but the sooner it's done, the sooner it won't matter to me. Then I can get on with seeing that person in the mirror.

On top of all this, there's an uncompromising quality to Crowe that I deeply admire. Even in the face of his more outrageous outbursts, I watch that interview with James Lipton, and I see a humble, work-focused guy. There's another quote I found online that goes very well with the one at the top of the page:

I don't make demands. I don't tell you how it should be. I'll give you options, and it's up to you to select or throw 'em away. That should be the headline: If you're insecure, don't call.

-Russell Crowe

 

 

There's a element there that corresponds with how I've tried to approach my career, such as it is. I do my work, I am who I am, I don't see any advantage to kissing ass or playing the sycophant. I'm not out to be an asshole, but I also "do unto others," if you take my meaning. Maybe that's why my career has never really skyrocketed, I hope not, but if that is the reason...So be it. At least I made the effort (nobody succeeds all the time) to keep my self worth in place.

If I like you, I like you, and if I don't, you likely won't see much of me. If you show faith in me, I will return it in full. I treasure my friends, try not to make enemies, and do my best to avoid them if I do make them. I may never be a superstar, but I want to live my life knowing I worked with people I loved and respected, and did work I was proud of. "The highest level I can," as the man said.

I really feel sorry for people who are, who divide their whole life up into 'things that I like' and 'things that I must do.' You're only here for a short time, mate. Learn to like it.

-Russell Crowe

I'm trying, buddy...I'm trying.

And, yes...I know this blog was horribly "man-crushy." I don't really care.

My 2012-2013 Theatre Season

Well, yesterday I accepted what I have to assume will be my last show in the 2012-2013 theatre season. I mean, I guess I could squeeze something else in during April/May/June, but I also always like to leave time for a little family vacation in the Spring. Even at that, things will be falling hard upon each other from here until the last curtain falls in March. I'll probably just need a break.

September 28th to November 4th, 2012
City Lit Theatre

FRANKENSTEIN
by Mary Shelly
adapted by Bo List
Directed by Terry McCabe

Frankenstein, an instant best seller and an important ancestor of both the terror and science fiction genres, not only tells a terrifying story, but also raises profound, disturbing questions about the very nature of life: What does it mean to be human? What responsibilities do we have to each other? How far can we go in tampering with nature? In our age, filled with news of organ donation, genetic engineering, and bio-terrorism, these questions are more relevant than ever.

As I've made more than clear, I'll be playing the Creature. I won't go on about it again.

January 5th to February 10th, 2013

a co-production of Stage Left Theatre and BoHo Theatre

PYGMALION

by George Bernard Shaw

Directed by Vance Smith

associate Director: Peter Robel

In this classic play that inspired the musical My Fair Lady, dialect expert Henry Higgins makes a bet that he can teach Cockney flower-girl Eliza Doolittle to pass as a “proper lady.” Stage Left teams with fellow Theater Wit Resident Company Boho Theatre to celebrate the 100th anniversary of the first production of this timeless story.

I've been cast as Alfred Doolittle. I feel some sense of pride in the fact the I brought this show to Stage left. It's exciting to see it go up.

February 22nd to March 31st, 2013
City Lit Theatre

PEYTON PLACE
by Grace Metalious
World Premiere Adaptation by Paul Edwards
Directed by Paul Edwards

When Grace Metalious' debut novel about the dark underside of a small, respectable New England town was published in 1956, it quickly soared to the top of the bestseller lists with 60,000 copies sold within the first 10 days of its release. A landmark in twentieth-century American popular culture, Peyton Place spawned a successful feature film and a long-running television series - the first prime-time soap opera. 

I've been cast as Tom Makris...and I think it may provide one of my favorite lines I've ever gotten to say on stage. I laughed out loud when I read it..



I'm really happy about a number of things here. The most important thing, is that all of these roles are, very, very different. Not only emotionally, but the physical looks are gonna be miles apart. It's a great arc for my year of work.

We have the lyrical brutality of Frankenstein's Monster, which scares the crap out of me, because I, truly, don't know if I can pull it off. That alone makes it tremendously exciting for me. It's such an opportunity to show different facets of myself. Innocence, loneliness, betrayal, and love. It's a great part, and Bo List has managed to keep much of what I loved about the novel. Top that off, the brief make-up discussions I've been party to have been exciting in how extreme my look might end up being. So cool.

Then, the knowing hucksterism of Doolittle, and a chance to say a lot of things about class in society that I feel may be more on-the-nose than we'd like it to be. Plus, it's a hellishly funny part. A nice explosion outward from what, I think, will be a very internal performance as the Creature.

Ending with what I can only describe as my shot to play Don Draper. We go back internal, and a chance to be "Mr. Ruggedly Handsome." To indulge that sort of uber-masculinity that the 50's and 60's wallowed in. Plus, the pure sexuality of the whole story is gonna be great fun after two relatively sexless show, and it gets me that line I was talking about. I'm gonna need to order a whole case of Aqua-Velva.

I'm also happy to be back at City Lit, who's shown such faith and trust in me, and my work. Going all the way back to Puddin'head Wilson, through Dashiell Hamlet, and The Copperhead, they've bet on me a lot, and I'm happy to be part of this season, as they prepare for their move to Evanston. You can subscribe to CityLit's 2012-2013 season here (Call or print and mail the form).

I'll also be appearing in a Stage Left mainstage production for the first time as an actual member of the Ensemble, my first time since The Day of Knowledge way back in 2009. You can subscribe to Stage Left's 2012-2013 season here.

My Fall Show and Role

"But it is true that I am a wretch. I have murdered the lovely and the helpless; I have strangled the innocent as they slept, and grasped to death his throat who never injured me or any other living thing. I have devoted my creator, the select specimen of all that is worthy of love and admiration among men, to misery; I have pursued him even to that irremediable ruin. There he lies, white and cold in death. You hate me; but your abhorrence cannot equal that with which I regard myself. I look on the hands which executed the deed; I think on the heart in which the imagination of it was conceived, and long for the moment when these hands will meet my eyes, when that imagination will haunt my thoughts no more"

My favorite version of the Creature - Bernie Wrightson

"But soon," he cried, with sad and solemn enthusiasm, "I shall die, and what I now feel be no longer felt. Soon these burning miseries will be extinct. I shall ascend my funeral pile triumphantly, and exult in the agony of the torturing flames. The light of that conflagration will fade away; my ashes will be swept into the sea by the winds. My spirit will sleep in peace; or if it thinks, it will not surely think thus. Farewell."

The Icon - Boris Karloff

"Like Adam, I was apparently united by no link to any other being in existence; but his state was far different from mine in every other respect. He had come forth from the hands of God a perfect creature, happy and prosperous, guarded by the especial care of his Creator; he was allowed to converse with, and acquire knowledge from, beings of a superior nature: but I was wretched, helpless, and alone. Many times I considered Satan as the fitter emblem of my condition; for often, like him, when I viewed the bliss of my protectors, the bitter gall of envy rose within me."

 Frankenstein 

City Lit Theatre

Performances September 28th thru November 4th

I consider myself humbled and honored to be offered this role. One of the great literary creations of all time. A being of monstrous vengeance, childlike wonder, and devoted love. I am terrified and excited all at the same time, and no actor can ever ask for more from a role.

And, no, Sean H. - "FIRE! BAD!" is not one of my lines. ;)  And now, as cheesy as I will ever get about this...

I Thought I'd Have the Summer Off

It's funny how, when you don't go looking for things, they tend to come to you. Of course, not always in the way you expected or wanted.

I had planned on remaining free of theatre commitments for the summer season. My plan was to focus on music projects, take the next part of The Artistic Home's Meisner program, and leave myself time for trips to Boston and, of course, San Diego for Comic-Con. That's...sorta...held.

The folks at Steep Theater Company asked me to audition for their upcoming show, Moment, which was very, very exciting to me. Alas, the opening weekend is when I'm in San Diego. I went back to them with true thankfulness that they thought of me, but I was really sad to say I couldn't do it.

Ultimately, I've been asked to understudy 2 roles in the show. Which, despite the fact I'm not a huge fan of understudy jobs, I'm very excited about. Steep is an exciting company for me, and I'm hoping to make a good impression. Get my foot in that door.

It did give me half a pause about going to Comic-Con again. This year has been incredibly aggravating on a number of levels. The long delay in opening ticket sales (at least from where it was the last time I went, in 2010), made getting tickets a stressful mess. Ultimately, by some miracle, we scored 4-day passes, with preview night. Which makes us luckier than most.

Of course, then came the damn hotel debacle. I've been to San Diego before, this year will be my 4th trip. I've always managed to get a hotel downtown, somewhere. The Doubletree has been the go-to location. This year, with three of us vying for rooms, two of us were shut out completely, and the third...got a room in Mission Valley.

Now, on one level, I'm just happy we got a room, and it's on a 24-hour shuttle route. Not to mention the public transport light-rail option. Plus, with the near-miracle of getting a full-show pass, I couldn't walk away from the trip. On the other hand, I'm struck again by how much of a nightmare going to San Diego has become. Once you're there, of course, the stress falls away and it's just a good time. It's the 6 months leading up to going that becomes unbearable, at times.

Personally, I'm going to try to talk my brothers-in-geekdom into the New York Comic-Con in 2014. San Diego has just gotten too big, and the lack of adequate hotels and room in the convention center has set off a series of dominoes. I understand the need to control the amount of people, I do, but it's making the whole experience kinda ugly. I never thought I'd actually wish for Comic-Con International to pack up and leave San Diego, because the city is beautiful and fun.

But moving the show to, say, Las Vegas looks really good, right now. I also can't help thinking of a quote from the Las Vegas Chamber of Commerce representative when they were vying to take over the contract from San Diego a couple of years ago, "I have more hotel rooms on one corner than San Diego has in the entire city" (paraphrasing). I believe their convention center is larger, too.

I understand the nostalgic vibe. Like I said, I love going to San Diego. Comic-Con International has been in San Diego since day one, with a group in a basement somewhere. You don't walk away from that history easily, and a move to Las Vegas, in particular, would result in the convention sorta being swallowed by Vegas itself. When the convention rolls into San Deigo, it's like a little "United Nerdom" erupts in the city. You cannot miss what's going on. The whole downtown area shows signs of the influence. Plus, you can almost guarantee you'll run into comic pros on a nightly basis, because they congregate in specific areas. With Vegas, everyone would be thrown to the winds.

So, that's a downside, but now it feels like the SDCC organization is using this lack of space as a marketing tool. Driving demand WAY past any reasonable supply, using the resulting "sold out in an hour and half" stories to up it's media footprint, and perceived power in the pop-culture realm. It feels like this is all being orchestrated in order to guarantee a fan frenzy every year, when you could just move to Las Vegas (or any of a few other options), who clearly want the show, and actually meet the demand. It feels somewhat sketchy.

Anyway, we're going. (Long digression, there, I know.) Hell or high water. I'm behind where I usually am on my saving for this trip, and that makes me nervous, as usual. It'll all work out, it always does.

The rest of the Summer is coming together. The music project is moving forward, though I am still waiting for confirmation on what the schedule will be for the next Meisner class. It just amuses me, my plan for "taking it easy" is basically out the window.

Friday Rambling

Sorry for the general lack of posts this week. I've been off my game. It happens.

I have been enjoying the previews of tracks from Wrecking Ball that have been showing up around the internet for 24 hour periods. At this point, we've heard the first single "We Take Care of Our Own" (already a victim of political miss-analysis, some things never change), "Easy Money," "Shackled and Drawn," "Jack of All Trades," "Death to My Hometown," and "This Depression." That, more or less, gives us the first side of the album.

"We Take Care of Our Own" has really grown on me. I have also loved, dearly, every track since. Although "This Depression" plods a little, for my tastes.

There's experimentation here, with Bruce using samples and such, but the core is the same sort of powerful storytelling he built his career on. After these tracks, I am extremely excited to hear the full album. I can't hope for it to be a late-era masterpiece like Magic, or The Rising, were, but Springsteen seems to come alive when he's mad. The Boss seems mad, and ready to make his point.

Cannot wait for the tour. Can. Not. Wait.

I am a fan of Edgar Rice Burroughs' pulp work. Love the Tarzan novels, and I hold a special place for the John Carter works, or the Barsoom series. Burroughs can never be accused of writing "hard" sci-fi, but his fantasy work is tremendous, full of energy and vast ideas. I've long wanted to see John Carter and Barsoom in a big-budget movie.

Well, Disney answered that call, with Andrew Stanton, of PIXAR fame, director of the utterly brilliant Wal-E, stepping into live-action features. I have no idea if this film will do justice to Burroughs' Martian adventures, and I do not intend to critique it  before I've seen it...

BUT...

Man, who titled this film? Who's running this marketing campaign?

Look, the Barsoom stories aren't nearly as well-known as the Tarzan books. You say "Tarzan," and EVERYONE knows who that character is. Unfortunately, "John Carter" doesn't inspire the same recognition. Hell, Disney doesn't even deign to put Edgar Burroughs name, which might be a selling point, on the marketing materials.

The name of the first book is A Princess of Mars, and, come on, how could you pass up that title for John Carter? A silly as the original title is, it literally drips with a pulp adventure feel. Which should be what this film aims to deliver. Marvel Comics, back in the 70's, did well (title-wise) with their series John Carter: Warlord of Mars, and Disney owns Marvel, now...use that

Then, the poster...OK, that must be John Carter...in a sea of red, which might make me think of Mars, and some indistinct figures in the background. Huh?

Look, I think they were going for "mysterious," which, I suppose is fine, but that usually works when there's some iconography you can hint at. A Superman poster with a blue, yellow and red streak into the air...that's cool. We get it, and it's powerful because...we all know Superman. There's an element of "can they make that work? Will the suit look silly?" but we know that image. Look, up in the sky! We know those colors.

John Carter? Who the fuck is that?

I still have hopes this will be a kick-ass, fun movie. I, however, am not positive on it's box office potential. I hope I'm wrong, as I'd like to see more of Burroughs work on film. Maybe somebody will do Tarzan right.

Yeah, yeah. Greystoke: The Legend of Tarzan, Lord of the Jungle was definitely in the right direction. That said, Burroughs is not Jane Austin, and that film hedged a bit too much toward the Merchant Ivory side of things. Burroughs was a pulp writer, and you shouldn't try to wash that away.

I've been in tech all week, and barely touched the guitar. The worst part of this is that I'm really feeling inspired again. I managed to write a song during last weekend's long tech days that I think is really good. I've also gone back to lighter strings on the guitar, and my playing feels much more fluid again. I don't regret, at all, the heavier string experiment, but everything works better with the lighter strings (it ought to, I had the thing set up that way). I want/need to find the time to get rocking on my "one song at a time, until it's finished" plan. I feel like I can see the path forward, now. I just need to get walking on it.

Hopefully that'll happen this weekend.

Of course, I'm also back in class starting tomorrow. Meisner 2 at The Artistic Home. That's also exciting. I think my last few months in Meisner 1 have helped me keep sane, in terms of my acting career. It was hard, very hard, at times, but there's a challenge that class presents, which I'm enjoying wrestling with.

Sometimes I suck, sometimes I don't. Which, honestly, should be the motto for any actor.