"In a World Where I Feel So Small, I Can't Stop Thinking Big"

I feel small.

I feel insignifigant.

I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel betrayed. I feel redundant. I feel like an asshole. I feel selfish. I feel passed-over. I feel like a failure. I feel it slipping out of my control. I feel every mistake I've ever made. I feel the ground giving way under my feet. I feel strong. I feel weak. I feel brave. I feel frightened.

Sometimes, I am certain I feel too much. Sometimes I feel like there's so many conflicting things in my heart and in my head that I may go crazy. I'm sure lots of people feel that. We are all creatures of feeling.

But, sometimes, I wish I could stop. Sometimes I wish I could embrace my inner Vulcan, put aside all of these stupid emotions, these useless fears, and just push through with logic and rational thought.

But it's never that easy, is it? Fulfillment is never just about us, what we can make happen, but also about what trust others put into us. What trust others are willing to place on us, what faith they have in our abilities. Sometimes, I hear the voice in my head that sees all too clearly that precious few people are really willing to bank on me. That, often correctly, reminds me that trust is a foolish endeavor. That being selfish is the only way to ever possibly move yourself forward.

That, my friends, makes me sad. It makes me sad, searching for an environment where one will be challenged, supported and nurtured, then, time and again, feeling themselves left behind, and left out. Life confirms, over and over again, that to trust is foolish, teamwork is a dead end.

I find myself, in times like these, turning to music more and more often.



Caravan
by Rush

In a world lit only by fire

Long train of flares under piercing stars

I stand watching the steamliners roll by

The caravan thunders onward

To the distant dream of the city

The caravan carries me onward

On my way at last

On my way at last

I can’t stop thinking big

I can’t stop thinking big

On a road lit only by fire

Going where I want, instead of where I should

I peer out at the passing shadows

Carried through the night into the city

Where a young man has a chance of making good

A chance to break from the past

The caravan thunders onward

Stars winking through the canvas hood

On my way at last

In a world where I feel so small

I can’t stop thinking big

My Needs Are Important, Or, The Lando Calrissian Factor

I've written about my feeling that the time had come to be more selfish about my commitments, and my time.

I don't know how well I've lived up to that. Maybe better than I feel I have. I've certainly just...not done things that I didn't want to do.Yet, I still feel the weight of expectation, and commitment, to things I really find myself just not being all that excited about. Or that I find frustrating, and don't see a lot of benefit coming back from.

Cassius It's Over by Outsider

Every relationship is a contract. Your contract means to give something to get something. Well, see, the way I've tried to work since I wrote those blogs above is that, if I'm not getting something, then I'm not overly interested in giving something. I don't even expect to get a lot, but I expect to receive something rewarding. Something that will excite me, remind me why I entered into the contract, and why I'm giving what I am.

So, what do you do when it's absolutely, crystal clear that, as far as direct, personal benefit, you're not going to be seeing anything for the foreseeable future? How's that going to affect your attitude about providing your part of the "contract."

The answer is; not very happy.

Of course, there are intangibles. We're talking about a business contract here, but personal feelings can't be excluded. Maybe, despite the fact you're not getting much in the way of tangibles from the relationship, maybe you do, truly, like working with the people you're involved with. That can keep you rolling for quite a while.

But not forever.

That only goes so far. It's tough to weigh personal warmth and friendship against personal satisfaction and fulfillment. It leads to a lot of self-evaluation and reflection.

What else can I say but, I'm looking some things in my life, and thinking "no one's getting anything worthwhile out of this." So, the question is...are the intangibles good enough for me to keep working on a relationship that appears, to hold little direct benefit for me? Is it right for me to become careless about my responsibilities because I'm seeing little reward?

Yes, this deal IS getting worse all the time.

My Usual Friday Randomness

Hi folks...

So, I had a meltdown yesterday. I'm kinda still having it. It happens, I guess, a side-effect of the way I tend to embrace that which I commit to in an unhealthy and extreme way.

Doesn't mean it wasn't true.

I do think about retirement/quitting every, single day, especially recently. I'm not happy with how it's all going right now, even in the slightest. I've said it before, I WANT to act. I love acting, but sometimes, like right now, I'm pretty sure I love it so much that it's not good for me. It's become a burden.

So, yeah. Thinking....thinking...thinking...A decision must be made.

I also revisited some old blog entries, and I found the one where I told myself I was going to be more selfish. Although, I suppose many of you out there would say, "MORE selfish? Who's he think he's kidding?" I suppose that's true enough, in some sense, but I used to be one to drop everything to go do something that needed done, or because a friend asked.

I really am feeling those days are over. Now, I'm not going to turn into an asshole, at least I hope not, but I want to get more focused on myself, and my closest friends and family. These are the people who've believed in me and stood by me when I needed them. They've taken leaps of faith because they believed in me, and I will always return that loyalty and trust.

"Quid Pro Quo," as Dr. Lecter might say.

But guilt tripping myself into doing things I'm not excited or invested in because I feel like I "ought to?" Done. I've had enough. I see other people doing it all the time, nakedly so, and it's just expected. I've always tried to be the guy who'll go the extra mile, because somebody has to...

It's not worth it. The only thing that it's done for me is get me over-invested, then angry and depressed when things don't go my way. I'm dead sick of feeling that way.

I think my path of happiness is to give my best efforts to that which is important to me, and just be straight up about my indifference about the rest of it. Maybe that'll make some people call me an asshole, but, for me, it's called "holding on to my sanity."

...And that's the way it's got to be.

Managed to get a pretty good lead guitar track and mix for the latest song, "We've Got Forever for This to Be Over," done last night.

Tore into it after that fantastic live episode of 30 Rock. What a well-executed little stunt. I started laughing right after Julia Louis-Dreyfus showed up as "flashback Liz Lemon," brilliant bit, that. I knew they were going to have a "flashback Jack Donaghy" as well...I kept hoping it would be Harrison Ford (pipe dream, I know - but they'd already used Hunt For Red October-era footage of Alec Baldwin for "Hi-Def Jack Donaghy," so...). Some of the cast was better live than others, I mean, what the hell was Jack McBrayer doing? Unless it was some sort of meta-joke...one I didn't get.

Anyway...

the song. The song has some nice dynamics, I think. There's a few choppy bits, but I think I can smooth them out after I get the melody/lyrics worked out. Yeah, I'm still just stockpiling backing tracks, in the hopes that I can meld lyrics/melody into them after the fact, instead of just trying to force lyrics onto something. A problem with my second CD, as anyone who'd heard it can attest.

It really does eat at me that it's been so long since I got a disk of tunes together. I mean Where Have All the Heroes Gone? was "released" in 2006...over 4 years ago. That's no time at all if you're Axl Rose, but, for me, that's a lot of sitting around with a thumb up my ass. I hate feeling like I'm not accomplishing anything (who would guess from reading this blog, huh?...LOL!), and this music stuff is all on me.

The goal, at this point, is to have a CD ready, say 10-12 songs, by my 40th birthday. That gives me almost a year. Even if I get sick of some of these tunes I already have, and trash 'em, there's time to have something put together. I think I may even put out feelers to a bassist and drummer I'm acquainted with, and see if they want to sit in for sessions.

That's a BIG "if." Likely, it'll be me and the drum machine, again.